Video Chat with Birbigs

My normal blog schedule has been pleasantly interrupted by this piece of news:  I get to have a short video chat with my favorite stand-up comedian (and giant inspiration for this blog), Mike Birbiglia!  If you haven't seen or heard his stand-up, go here.  He'll also be in Chicago in October (for all of you I miss dearly in Illinois).  I'll be attending his November show in Atlanta for sure.

Anyway, I'm not here to brag; I'm here to ask you all for help.  For being one of the first people to pre-order his book, I get to meet him via video-chat on Tuesday.  If you know me, this opportunity could either be really awesome or a horrible disaster.  Don't let this near-future event become an Awkward-Amy blog post!  Help me pick what I should ask him or give me advice on how to not turn this into an awkward mess!

Possible questions to ask Mike Birbiglia:

1)  Will you marry me? Check "Yes" or "No." (Then I hold up a sign with check boxes by "Yes" and "No")
2)  What's your favorite color?
3)  Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he himself could not eat it?
4)  Can we hang out when you're in Atlanta?
5)  Did you ever find that porn that destroys lives?
6) Will you follow my blog (come on, man, I bought your book!)?
7) Are you in the market for an editor with pretty much no experience but the ability to work for next to nothing?
8) Do your cats hate tags as much as my cat does?  If not, what sorts of things do your cats not like?

See!  I need your help!

Does this picture make me look crazy?  Whatever, it's awesome; you know it.

Help me please with your comments!

-Amy

Well.....GOODBYE! (Part One)

Exits can be awkward sometimes.  I try to be polite when saying goodbye to someone new, and if I know the context for the meeting or conversation, then I usually know the right thing to say when parting ways.  For example, I might say after a job interview, "I'll look forward to hearing from you."  To a new friend:  "Give me a call sometime."  To a customer, "Thanks, and have a good day!"  You get what I mean.

But here's where it has a potential to get awkward:  What if there is no context?  What if you have no reason to be talking to this particular person?  Should you always say goodbye after random conversations?

The random-conversation-with-strangers-thing happens a lot in Georgia.  Usually it's kinda nice and mostly uneventful, but I sometimes feel awkward when the random conversation stops or when I have to walk away from the stranger.

This happened at a Golden Dragon Acrobats show Keith and I saw last recently.  We had pretty good seats at the outdoor amphitheater (it was super hot out!).  Fifteen minutes before the show, our row was looking pretty empty.  A few moments later, a woman talking on a cell phone came walking down the aisle towards us.  Although mostly all of the seats were empty at that time, her ticket--of course--was for the seat right next to mine. For the next five minutes, there was nobody around us except for my new elbow buddy to my right.  And my poor artistic rendering below does not accurately illustrate the awkwardness of the situation.  Let's just say, in real life, none of us looked like stick figures.  We were one couple and one stranger squished together in a sea of empty seats.

Since the woman was talking on her cell, I heard, when I wanted to, everything she was saying.  I was in and out of conversation with Keith, so I didn't hear every word, and it wasn't like I was intentionally eves-dropping.  But my awkward radar is always on, picking up tense moments are uncomfortable silences everywhere within my line of sight and range of hearing.  This one was only inches away.  I saw her hand go over her mouth and heard the volume of her voice drop.  This call was about to get interesting:

"Keesha, it was all rolled up like a Vienna sausage," she whispered into her phone.

What?

The person she was talking to had to have been deaf.  I could hear the sentence clearly, but for some reason, Keesha could not.  The woman to my side let out a few embarrassed oh-my-god-why-am-I-telling-this-story-in-public giggles, and attempted to retransmit the information.

"I said:  Keeshaaaaaah, it was...ALL...ROLLED...UP...like a Vienna sausage!

She had to repeat this phrase a few more times for the person on the other line, and then she ended the conversation shortly thereafter.  Don't ask what they were talking about; I was unable to discern any more information.  One could hypothesize, though...haha!

Anyway, after that, more people started to fill in the empty chairs around us, the awkwardness subsided (for the meantime), and the show started.  It was pretty a good show, too, which meant that expressions of awe and amazement were shared with the stranger closely seated to my right.  By exchanging little remarks like, "How is he still walking after that!?" and "Hahaha!  Holy crap!" and, during intermission, "What kind of food do they got up there?" we became less than strangers.  But we never learned each others' names, and this presented some problems when the show was over.  How do you say goodbye to someone you don't really know?  It felt like I should have said something, but here's what I couldn't say:

Nice to meet you.--I never really met her and didn't know anything about her.

Hope you enjoyed the show!--I don't work there, and it's not up to me to hope she enjoyed the show.

Well, it was nice watching the show with you! *Followed by a wave or handshake.*

That last one could have worked.  But the show was over, and my brain isn't that fast when I'm trying to not be awkward.  Instead, it just goes, "BLAAAH!" and I walk quickly away, which I did...and probably came across as rude.  But, what else are you going to do when you're the over-analyzing Queen of Uncomfortable Situations?
                                                                                                                                                                                                    

 

Pictures of the neat-o fan I got from the Golden Dragon Acrobats "Cirque D'Or" show!

Part Two coming soon (I promise?).

Well....goodbye!  Haha!

-Amy

Triad of Ridiculousness: Part Three (Finally!)

It's hard to spread out one day's events over the course of three weeks, but I managed to do it.  Here's the final story of my Friday, June 18th, 2010.  Enjoy!

Please Be Patient While I Beat This Person Up

After the first two awkward situations, I wanted to go home and finish my day by hiding from all the crazy outside.  But before I could get there, I had to take my chances battling the streets of Atlanta.  Like always, it would not be an easy drive home.

Things started out smoothly enough, and I was almost home without incident...until I passed this gas-station.  And then this car pulled out in front of me.  And then this car and I stopped at a red light.  And then the driver of that car started beating up her passenger.

Yay!  I got to witness some good-old-fashioned-battery-fun!

This is how it happened:

The light turned green and I noticed the car in front of me wasn't moving.  Then I saw the driver take off her seat-belt.  She turned to whoever was in her passenger seat and started throwing punches, and she was throwing them pretty hard.  I even saw a couple elbows mixed in there.

Whoever was in the passenger seat didn't fight back.  I really hope it wasn't a kid.  If I knew it was a kid, I definitely would have called the cops, but I couldn't tell.

So, I had been sitting behind this car for a couple seconds while Crazy was wailing on her passenger, and cars were starting to line up behind me.  The light was green, and I wanted to go home.  Plus, I felt bad for whoever was getting beat up.  So I did what most people in my situation would do:  I honked.

Then she gave me the finger:  a long, middle finger with a slightly curved, two-inch fake nail on it.

Seriously, how rude of me!  How dare I not sit silently and patiently in my car during a green light while this lady blocking traffic beats someone up.  Clearly, I had forgotten my manners.

After a brief contest to figure out whose middle finger was better (mine won), she slammed on the gas and turned into the parking lot of a "Cash Your Checks Here" store.  Perhaps she needed some money to fix any fake nails broken during her moment of assault.  As for my night, I went home and had a great time writing my blog and ignoring the constant insanity happening outside my door.

-Amy